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SLINGS AND ARROWS 

By 
EDWIN FRANCIS EDGETT 

Illustrated With Sketches 
By Dwight Taylor 




BOSTON 

B. J. BRIMMER COMPANY 

1922 






Copyright, 1922 by 

B. J. BRIMMER COMPANY 

Set up and Printed. Published August, 1922 



JAN -2 73 

Printed in the United States of America 



C1A690809 
"WO I 



These "Slings and Arrows" 
are selected from several hun- 
dred pieces which have ap- 
peared on Wednesdays and 
Saturdays during the past five 
years in the Boston Evening 
Transcript under the general 
heading of "Masquerades" and 
other collective titles. ,} The 
thanks of the author are given 
to the publishers of the Tran- 
script for permission to re- 
print them in a book. 



TO THE UNGENTLE READER 

7HESE lines, 
And all the lines 
That follow, 
Are not verse, 
Either free or shackled. 
They merely masquerade 
In the form 
Of verse 

For the obvious purpose 
Of hitting the eye 
Of the reader 
With the sense 
Or nonsense 

Of their prose reflections 
Upon certain ways 
Of masculine and feminine 
Humankind. 

E. F. E. 



OLD BOOKS FOR NEW 

THROUGH the streets and bazaars 
Of a Far Eastern city 
There went one day a Moor 
Bearing in a basket 
A glittering array of lamps. 
And as he walked he cried : 
"Oh, who will give 
Old lamps for new?" 
And all the world followed him 
And the street boys pursued him 
From place to place, 
And mocked at him. 
But he cared not for that, 
For when he reached 
The palace of Ala-ed-Din 
He gained the prize he sought, 
The Magical Lamp of the Treasure, 
In exchange for his tawdry wares. 

And so today 

In Western lands 

Great thoughts out of the past 

Woven from the magic of men's minds 

Are bartered or are cast aside 

Whenever we are asked to give 

Old books for new. 



THE ACROBATIC READER 

THE first page 
Of the 'morning newspaper 
Offers opportunity 
For all sorts 
Of mental agility 
And physical dexterity 
As we read 
Each article. 
After turning 
To page so and so 
For its conclusion 
In compliance 

With each repeated request, 
We feel as if 
We had performed 
An acrobatic feat 
Of mind and hands. 
Great and wonderful 
Is the make-up 
Of the morning newspaper. 






THE TELEPHONE SHIRKER 

HE sits at his ease, 
Or his work, 
While his secretary 
Calls up a victim 
On the telephone, 
And bids him 
Hold the line " a minute." 
If he is a man 
Of infinite patience, 
He holds it 
For several minutes, 
Awaiting the pleasure 
Of the man 

Who saves his own time 
At the expense of another's. 
If he is not so patient 
He hangs up the receiver 
With a bang, 
And 'mutters something 
Under his breath 
That might be 
" Don't you tell," 
But isn't. 



■;-*•■;■ 






." ■■•- '■- '-'■-." '■" ♦ ■ .*•'■ '. ' " v * ') 




THE DANCER 

AS we watch her 
Lithely swaying 
Through the mazes of the dance, 
Each pose 
And each movement 
One of infinite grace 
In unison with the music, 
Do we realize 

The training and the practice 
That has thus 
Made her proficient. 
Her skill 

Creates the illusion 
That she is dancing 
Her dance 
For the first time. 
Whereas it is constant repetition 
That gives her work 
Its perfect spontaneity. 
She charms the eye 
And the mind alike 
With the marvels of her art. 



THE EUPHEMISTS 

WITH mincing words, 
They make the good 
Old English language into 
A Miss Nancyish tongue. 
If somebody dies 
He " passes away," 
They walk on " limbs," 
They " expectorate," 
They " masticate " their food, 
And when 
They go to bed, 
Where it is a pity 
They cannot stay forever, 
They " retire." 



THE NAME MISPRONOUNCER 

IF your name 
Is Smith 
Or Brown or Jones, 
He may get it right, 
But if you happen 
To be favored 
By the gods 

With an uncommon name, 
He never fails 
To misspell 
And mispronounce it, 
Rejoicing in 
His competence 
As a bungler, 
And considering it 
Your fault 
That you do not 
Bear a name 
To match 
His lingual ability. 



THE BIRD-CATCHER 

POOR puss ! 
Maligned and persecuted 
Because she fulfills 
Her instincts 

And pursues with intent to kill 
The birds of field and air. 
Statisticians present 
Formidable tables 
Revealing the extent of her crimes, 
And the millions of insects 
That are allowed to go unmolested 
Because she has murdered 
Their natural enemies. 
But man also 

Kills birds for food and sport. 
Why not also malign 
And persecute hfrn? 



THE SWEET YOUNG THING 

FUR-COATED 
And be-gaitered 
She airily hobbles along 
Upon her shaky heels. 
By art and fashion 
She is defended from the cold 
Except at one conspicuous 
And vulnerable spot, 
Where not less than three inches 
Of reticulated silken hose 
Expose her to the searching gaze 
Of all the winds that blow. 
Yet she is a sweet young thing, 
And walks in all the pride 
Of joyous youth, 
And cares not 
For that bare 
And inconsistent gap 
Between her shoe-tops 
And her skirt. 



10 



THE DEAR OLD THING 

A MOST delectable sight is she, 
As arrayed in all 
The blithesome garmenture of youth, 
A hat of rakish tilt 
Atop her head, 
With coat and skirt 
Of negligible length, 
And shoes lower than the lowest, 
She mincingly makes her way 
Before the eyes 
Of all the world. 
She fancies that 
The years have passed her by, 
And that clothes can 
Make her young again. 
How fortunate it is 
That she cannot see herself 
As others see her. 



11 



THE ANGLERS 

IS it literary sacrilege, 
When we read 
Izaak Walton's remark 
That " God never did 
Make a more calm, 
Quiet, innocent recreation 
Than angling," 
To wonder 
What the fish thinks 
About its calmness, 
Quietude, 
And innocence? 



12 



THE DANGER SIGNAL 

U TDAD Curve Ahead," 

■ J " Look out for School Children," 
" Dangerous Corner," 
And so forth, and so forth, 
Are the foolish signs 
That confront the motorist 
As he makes his way 
Through town and country. 
Of what use are they? 
If he can see the signs, 
Cannot he also see 
The curves, the children, 
And the other dangers 
In his path? 



13 



THE JACK IN-OFFICE 

FROM his desk 
Arrogantly 
He lifts his head. 
And as each visitor 
Meekly approaches 
He gazes at the intruder 
And with the voice 
Of one who sits 

In the official seats of the mighty 
Bids him state 
His business 

As though he were master 
And not a public servant. 
From his mien 
It might be thought 
That God 

Had placed him there. 
But it was only man 
Who thus exalted him. 



15 



THE ENCYCLOPAEDISTS 

SOMETIMES it seems 
As if the makers 
Of encyclopaedias 
Take pleasure 
In building a thorny path 
For information-seekers. 
Whenever, perchance, 
As in the case of Mark Twain, 
A writer is known solely 
By his pen-name, 
We look him up thereunder, 
Only to be informed, 
What we already knew, 
That this name 
Is a pseudonym, 
And that we must seek him 
Under his family name 
In another volume. 
Whereupon we waste 
Still further time 
In cursing 
These punctilious encyclopaedists. 



16 



THE TELEPHONE JARGONIST 

WHY insult 
The good English language 
Still further 
By using 

The telephone jargon 
In our daily speech? 
It is bad enough 
To vocalize 

Through the transmitter 
A cipher as if it 
Were the letter O, 
But when 
We pronounce it 
One— O—O— NINE, 
Instead of 

One Thousand and Nine, 
We are adding 
Injury to insult. 



17 



POOR RICHARD 

ALAS for Ben Franklin ! 
What a parlous life 
He must have led 
In those awful times 
When the forty-four hour week 
For printers was unknown 
And unprophesied. 
Yet he survived his labors 
For no less than 
Eighty-four years 
And has grown in fame 
So mightily 
That after a lapse 
Of more than two centuries 
His statue 
Has been dragged 
Through our streets 
To make a Boston holiday. 



19 



THE SACRIFICIAL TEACHERS 

THEIR service 
To mankind 
Is no greater 
And their reward no less 
Than that 
Of many another 
Man or woman 
Who works for a living. 
Why then 
Do these teachers 
Set themselves up 
As martyrs 
And brag about 
The great sacrifice 
They are making 
As they pursue 
Their calling 
In the intervals 
Of its numerous vacations. 



20 



THE MODERN LADY NOVELIST 

HAVE any of you 
Noted the get-up 
Of the lady novelists 
Who pose 

For the photographer 
In response to the plea 
Of their publishers 
That their likenesses 
Must be in readiness 
To spread broadcast 
Throughout the newspapers 
Of the country? 
They are arrayed, 
Or unarrayed, 
In costu'mes 

That would put to shame 
The most garbless appeal 
Of the many fair charmers 
Who decorate 
The Follies 

Or the latest masterpiece 
Of musical comedy. 



21 



THE MUFFLER CUT-OUTER 

HIS idea 
Of joyous riding 
Is to make a racket, 
And the easiest way- 
Is to open 
His muffler cut-out. 
Through city and country 
He speeds, 

And whenever he reaches 
An especially quiet spot, 
He shatters the offenseless air 
And the ears 
Of all within his reach. 
After his passing 
Comes a grateful silence 
To heal the blows of sound. 



22 



THE BELL IN-HAND 

NOW are its glories departed I 
After a century and a quarter 
Of sober ale and sandwiches 
The good old Bell-in-Hand 
Opened its doors 
For a time 
To multitudes drunk 
With the clamorous spirit 
Of Ponzied finance, 
And later 
To the base 
And sordid purposes 
Of a counting room 
For a firm 
Which is erecting 
A building 
Across the alley. 



23 



THE HEAD-UNCOVERER 

WE must show respect 
For the flag, 
We are told, 
By uncovering our heads 
When it is 
Carried by us 
In procession. 
But this, of course, 
Is the most meaningless 
And trivial 
Outward show 
Of patriotism, 
For many a hat 
Is doffed only because 
Its wearer 
Dislikes 

To make himself 
Conspicuous 
By refusing to follow 
Custom or the crowd. 



25 



THE SLANGSTERS 



WITH their " dope " 
And their " phone," 
Their " cut it out," 
And their " bunk," 
Their " get my goat " 
And a thousand 
Other vilenesses 
Of speech, 

Those who are supposed 
To speak 

The English language 
Seem to think 
That slang 
Is the only means 
For the expression 
Of their ideas. 
And perhaps it is, 
For those who use it 
May have no ideas 
That can be voiced 
Otherwise. 



26 



THE FASHIONABLE ONE 

WITH shoulder sleeves, 
Knee skirts, 
Reticulated hosiery, 
And gauzy corsage 
That rises a few inches 
Above the waist-line — 
These may not be 
The technical terms, 
But they are 

Certainly understandable — 
She braves the summer heat, 
And presumably is happy, 
Not because 
She is cool, 
But because 
She is fashionable. 



27 



THUS SPAKE THE PROPHET 
ISAIAH 

IN this 
Enlightened time 
When a new commandment, 
Thou shalt not drink, 
Is to be thrust upon us, 
Why not turn back 
The pages of time 
And in Holy Scripture 
Read these words? 
" In that day sing ye unto her, 
A vineyard of red wine. 
I the Lord do keep it, 
I will water it every moment: 
Lest any hurt it. 
I will keep it night and day." 
Thus spake 
The prophet Isaiah. 



29 



THE DEGREE-HOLDER 

HIS pride 
Is so immoderate 
That he must share 
His glory 

With all the world. 
If by chance he wins 
An A. B. or an A. M., 
Or perhaps a Ph. D., 
He hastens to decorate 
His stationery 
With the cabalistic letters 
That disclose his scholarship. 
And sometimes 
He even thinks 
It increases his celebrity 
If he adds them 
As a sort of anti-climax 
To his written signature. 



30 



THE WEATHER OPTIMIST 

HE does not permit 
His spirit to be troubled 
By excessive heat 
Although the perspiration 
Bedecks his fevered brow. 
He wears a cheerful smile, 
And says to all 
Who growl and grumble 
That they would be 
As comfortable as he 
If they worried not 
And took the weather 
As they found it. 
In summer or in winter 
It pays to be > 

The cheerful optimist. 



31 



THE HEART GLADDENER 

THERE was a wise man 
In days of old 
Named David, 
And thus he spake : 
He causeth the grass 
To grow for the cattle, 
And herb for the service 
Of man, 

That he may bring forth 
Food out of the earth; 
And wine 
That maketh glad 
The heart of man, 
And oil 

To make his face to shine, 
And bread 
Which strengtheneth man's heart. 



32 



THE HOPE CHESTER 

AND now 
The latest fad 
Of the Hope-Chester 
Is to lay aside 
A selection of books 
Against a happy day. 
An editorial in 

The Woman's Home Companion 
Proclaims this mighty thought: 
" How a table-cloth 
And a dozen napkins 
Shrink into nothingness 
Compared with that splendid 
Practical edition 
Of Shakespeare, 
Or Kipling or Stevenson." 
But why in Heaven's name 
Not purchase 
A table-cloth 
And at least one napkin 
That will not shrink 
Into nothingness? 



33 



THE VEILER 

SHE may be 
So impressed 
By her own facial charms 
That she must hide 
Them from the gaze 
Of the multitude, 
But she might 
Be considerate enough 
To realize the strain 
Upon those helpless victims 
Of hers 

Who must needs 
Sit and talk to her 
Through the meshes 
Of huge dots 
And other 
Geometrical figures 
That adorn her veil. 
If she has no pity 
Upon her own eyes, 
She might have 
A little regard 
For the eyes of others. 



35 



THE WINDOW BRAGGERS 

HUMANITARIANISM 
And patriotism 
Seem to be with them 
A means 

For self-advertisement. 
They give their cash 
To the Red Cross 
And then they hang 
A sign in their window 
That the whole world 
May know 
The exact amount 
Of their philanthropy 
In dollars and cents. 



36 



THE TIT FOR TATTER 

IF childless John 
Must pay taxes 
To send 

His neighbor Jim's children 
To school, 
Why should not 
Automobileless Jim 
Pay taxes 

To build good roads 
For John's motor car 
To run upon? 



37 



THE FEMALE FORM DIVINE 

WHITHER have disappeared 
The feminine ears, 
And whence is disappearing 
The feminine forehead? 
To judge by 
The present mode 
Of hair array, 
Or disarray, 
One might think 
There is 

Something shameful 
In the exposure 
Of those necessary 
And once thought 
Ornamental features 
Of the female form divine. 



39 



A RE-MADE MAN 

NOW that this portion 
Of the world 
Is laboring under 
The blessings 
Of prohibition, 
We are given all sorts 
Of serio-comic testimonials 
Upon the wonders 
It has performed. 
One wife, so it is said, 
Reports that now she has 
A one hundred per cent husband. 
But 

If it takes prohibition, 
Or anything else 
To niake a man 
Of a man 
Is he worth 

The making of a man? 
Would he not be 
Better dead? 






40 



IN THE DAYS OF THE APOSTLE 

THEY knew not 
Prohibition in the days 
When Paul the Apostle 
Wrote these words of wisdom 
In his First Epistle 
To Trmothy : 
Drink no longer water 
But use a little wine 
For thy stomach's sake 
And thine often infirmities. 



41 



THE BREEZY ONE 

HE blows in upon you 
And with a glad hand 
Takes it for granted 
That you will welcome him 
With another hand of gladness. 
No amount of icy coldness 
Or of snubbing 
Will repress him 
And he comes again 
And again 

Each time breezier than before. 
And sometimes, 
May we add, 
All this might be written 
With pronouns 
Of feminine gender. 



42 






THE BLEST AND THE CURST 

O WEATHER ! 
Thou art im'mortal. 
Sometimes 
We bless thee 
But more frequently 
We curse thee 
And always 
When we have 
Nothing else 
To talk 
Or write about 
We mention thee. 
And here 

In this most wonderful 
Climate, 
Thou givest us 
Perpetually 
The opportunity 
To say something 
Which if not new 
And original 
Is at least emphatic. 



43 



THE SPIRIT-SEEKER 

NONE of us need lack 
Knowledge of the life to come, 
If we are content 
To seek the light 
In the pages of books 
That record 

The rappings and the tappings 
And all the other 
Mysterious outbreaks 
Revealed at spiritualistic seances 
Or psychical manifestations. 
Books on this 
And kindred subjects 
Are coming profusely 
From the press 
That he who runs may read, 
But not necessarily 
That he who reads 
Must believe. 



45 



THE SNAP THE-CURTAIN FIEND 

COMFORTABLY seated 
Next the window 
As he journeys 
To and fro by train, 
He is not content 
To raise 

The curtain gently. 
Instead, when he desires 
More light to penetrate 
His mental crevices, 
He pulls it sharply up, 
And with a bang 
Jolts the nerves 
Of all not hardened 
Like his own. 



46 



THE CONFERER 

WHEN you go 
To call upon 
A man of great importance, 
You may be told 
Quite simply 
That he is engaged 
And that he will 
See you 

In a few moments. 
But if he is 
A man of small calibre 
You are certain 
To be informed 
That he is " in conference " 
And cannot be disturbed. 



47 



JOHN DRINKWATER 

IN these sad days, 
John Drinkwater, 
You are the happy possessor 
Of a happy na'me. 
No wonder 

You have come across the ocean 
At this moment 
To test your fame 
As dramatist and poet 
Among the people 
Who must henceforth, 
Unless perchance 
They have thriftily 
Taken time by the forelock, 
Drink nothing 
But water. 
All hail to thee, 
John Drinkwater. 



48 



AT THE TICKET WINDOW 

ALL the time 
In the world 
Is hers. 

She lines herself up 
At the ticket window, 
Opens her bag, 
Takes out her purse, 
Closes the bag, 
Opens her purse, 
Extracts her money, 
Is handed her change, 
Picks it up 
Piece by piece, 
Lays aside the coin 
With which 
To pay her fare, 
Places the rest 
In her purse, 
Closes it, 
Opens her bag, 
Etc., etc., etc., 
And then departs 
Contentedly 
And remorselessly. 



SO 



THE BOOK WRITERS 



WHEN we hear 
The frequently 
Repeated invocation 
" Oh, that mine enemy 
Would write a book," 
We cannot refrain 
From thinking 
It would be far better 
To say, 

" Oh, that my friends 
Would write 
No 'more books." 



51 



THE KNEES-IN-YOUR-BACKMAN 

AS he plumps himself down 
He reposes comfortably 
As if there were 
No one else in the car. 
His backbone 
He uses as a throne, 
And with his knees 
Firmly thrust into 
The yielding plush of the seat 
In front of him, 
He wears the air 
Of a man 

Oblivious to his surroundings 
And perfectly at peace 
With all the world. 
And if by chance 
He has a newspaper in his hands 
To thrust into the neck 
Of his frontal neighbor, 
His contentment is supreme. 



52 



THE LICK CREATION AMERICAN 

TO hear some people talk 
We might think that America 
And America alone 
Won the war, 

And that none but Americans 
Should be put on guard 
To determine Germany's fate. 
But fortunately 
A few of us 
Have long memories 
And do not forget that while 
Belgium and France, 
Britain and Italy, 
Held the bridge, 
America stood 

With reluctant and faltering feet, 
And the valor of other nations 
Was the world's salvation. 
Therefore America's voice 
At the present crisis 
Should be small and still. 



53 



THE MORALIST 

THE time may come, 
With all other 
Subjects exhausted, 
When the Reverend 
John Roach Straton, 
Arbiter of the morals 
Of this free 

And enlightened republic, 
Will venture upon 
A debate over 
The horrors of fiction 
From Boccaccio 
And Rabelais 
To Theodore Dreiser 
And James Branch Cabell. 



55 



THE FIRST OF APRIL 

ONCE upon a time 
An ingenious man 
Sought to benefit humanity 
By extracting sunbeams 
From cucumbers. 
But nowadays 
Our modern reformers 
Seek other means 
To circumvent nature, 
And strive to make two hours 
Grow where only one 
Grew before. 
They pass a law 

Commanding us to set ! 

The hands of our watches 
And our clocks 
One hour forward, 
And they proclaim that 
The hours of daylight 
Are thereby increased! 
Fittingly indeed 
Did this new chronology 
Have its birth upon 
The eve of 
The First of April! 



56 



THE UPLIFTER 

HE goes about 
With serene smile 
His Pollyanna way. 
He is a friend of everybody, 
An enemy of none, 
And he claims that life 
Should be one grand 
And glorious song 
Of luscious love. 
His goodness is too cloying, 
And when he leaves us 
The reaction is so great 
That there is but one word 
To utter, and that is 
Bosh! 



57 



THE IDEALIST 



WE have it 
On the authority 
Of Henry Ford 
That history 
Is " bunk," 
And that the world 
Would be better 
Without music 
Or any of the arts. 
And yet 

In the face of this, 
He is called 
An idealist ! 



58 



THE PHRASE-MAKER 

THESE are great days 
Of great deeds 
And great words 
And great phrases. 
The student 
Of stenography 
And typewriting 
Now attends 
A School 

Of Secretarial Science, 
And the doors 
Of a College of 
Business Administration 
Now swing wide open 
To admit him, or her, 
Who once 

Would have attended 
Only a humble 
Commercial College. 



59 




.-^^ 







WALT WHITMAN 

ONE hundred years ago 
This coming week *, 

Was born Walt Whitman, 
Most picturesque of poets. 
He stands distinctive 
And above them all, 
Not as great perhaps 
As the greatest, 
But what is sometimes 
Better than greatness, 
Individual and unique. 
He made his way 
And now he stands 
With none beside him, 
Impressive and alone, 
A giant. 



61 



THE ENCORE FIEND 

H E - 
And sometimes it is she — 

Is always certain to be there, 
At opera 

Or musical comedy. 
" They're not going 
To be let off as easily as all that," 
He — or she — 
Exclaims even when 
The performers are breathless, 
And with vociferous hands 
He — or she — demands 
And re-demands 
A repetition of song or dance. 
No matter whether 
All are weary, 
Both those on the stage 
And those in the audience, 
His — or her — selfish demands 
Must be obeyed, 
Or the thunderous clamor 
Will continue. 
When will arise 
A stage director 
Or an orchestra leader 
Who will have the courage 
Utterly to ignore, 
Or if that does not suffice, 
To repress with vigorous words, 
Such hoggish procedure? 

62 



THE GAME 

ALL the world 
May be a stage 
And all the men and women 
Merely players, 
But this life 
And its interests 
Are not the " game " 
That it is proclaimed 
To be by the slangsters. 
We may write for a living, 
But we are not 
In the " writing game," 
We may be lawyers, 
But we are not 
In the " legal game," 
We may be doctors, 
But we are not 
In the " medical game," 
And so forth, 
And so forth. 



63 



u 



THE DAYS COME 

IT it written 
By Amos in the Old Testament : 
Behold, the days come, 
Saith the Lord, 

That the plowman shall overtake 
The reaper, 

And the treader of grapes 
Him that soweth seed; 
And the mountains shall drop 
Sweet wine, 

And all the hills shall nielt, 
And I will bring again the captivity 
Of my people of Israel, 
And they shall build the waste cities, 
And inhabit them; 
And they shall plant vineyards, 
And drink the wine thereof; 
They shall also make gardens, 
And eat the fruit of them. 
And I will plant them upon their land, 
And they shall no more be pulled up 
Out of their land 
Which I have given them, 
Saith the Lord thy God." 
Thus it is written 
With true prophetic hand 
By Amos in the Old Testament. 



65 



THE MUSIC HUMMER 

WHEN he — or she — 
Who at opera grand or comic, 
At musical comedy, 
During the orchestral joys 
Of theatre entr'actes, 
Or at any other 
Of the fifty-seven 
Varieties of harmony and melody, 
Seeks to add 

To the gayety of the audience 
By a sub-vocal humming, 
Or a mumbling or a rumbling, 
He — or she — 
Is merely tolerated 
Upon this earth 
By those whose 
Kindliness of heart 
Alone prevents 
His — or her — instant slaughter. 



66 



THE STILT-HEEL GIRL 

GINGERLY she picks her way 
Along the crowded walks, 
Hobblingly she totters 
Upon her toes 
While high above 
Follow her heels 
Supported by 
Their fragile stilts. 
What matters it 
That every muscle aches, 
That ankles twist and turn, 
That all her bones seem broken? 
She looks about herself 
With all the calm assurance 
Of a happy and contented mind, 
For is she not in style ? 



67 



THE OVERSHOE FLAPPERS 

WITH bare necks above 
And unbuckled 
And dishevelled 
Overshoes below, 
They parade the streets 
These wintry days 
As if they had 
No purpose 
In life 
But to show 
The extremes 
Of feminine 
Mental aberration. 



69 



THE PROHIBITION NICOTINIST 

HE loves 
His nicotine. 
With smoking pipe, 
Or burning cigar, 
Or even with 

The incense-laden cigarette 
In mouth 
He denounces 
In most eloquent language 
The ills that alcohol 
Has caused humanity 
To endure. 

He laments upon the folly 
Of its use, 
And most of all 
He proclaims 
Its economic waste, 
Welcoming the glad hour 
When prohibition rules the land. 
He is the guardian 
Of his brother's vice, 
But he claims 
The sole right 
To be the keeper 
Of his own. 



70 



THE SWEATER 

SHE would 
Not dream of saying 
Anything more direct 
Then " I perspire," 
If she dared 
Mention at all 
The effect 

Of summer weather, 
But she does 
Not hesitate to call 
An article 
Of wearing apparel 
A sweater. 



71 



THE NEWSPAPER CRUMPLER 

HE invariably occupies 
More than half 
The seat 

As he journeys into town 
Or homeward bound. 
Deep in his favorite 
Daily newspaper, 
Usually of the most jaundiced 
Yellow brand, 
He spreads it forward 
And with both arms sideways, 
Oblivious to humanity about him 
And when 

He reaches his stopping place 
He crumples it noisily 
And hastily, 

Throwing it to the floor 
And rushing forth 
To seek the eagerly expectant 
Bosom of his family. 



72 



THE NEW BONIFACE 

A FORWARD-LOOKING university 
Has just added 
To its curriculum 
A course of instruction 
In hotel-keeping. 
Let us hope 
That the landlord 
Of the future 
May be taught 
The means whereby 
Those of us who do not happen 
To be multi-millionaires 
May pass 

Our summer vacations 
At mountains or seashore 
Without the complete wreck 
Of our bank accounts. 



73 




V 



r 







THE ACCIDENT PREVENTERS 

LET us be careful, 
For this, 
So we are informed 
In the elegant English 
Of multitudinous posters, 
Is " Don't Get Hurt Week." 
It matters not 
What has happened, 
Or what is to happen 
In the days to come. 
If we are careful 
This week, 
We shall have done 
Our duty 

To those reformers 
Who are always looking 
For some new fad 
Wherewith to humbug 
The public. 



75 



THE THEATRE LAUGHER 



SHE always sits 
Behind you, 
And with prophetic glee 
Anticipates the comic scenes 
And speeches, and many 
Not comic, 
With a screech 
Of shrilling laughter. 
Nothing escapes 
Her vigilant voice, 
And if the din 
Grows unbearable 
And you humbly turn around 
And venture to expostulate, 
Her escort calmly 
Makes a duet of the solo 
And throughout 
The rest of the evening 
Adds audible remarks 
To his companion's shrieks. 
Therefore the rest is silence 
Or a change of seat. 



76 



THEIR GOAL 

IN the Book of Numbers 
We may read: 
"And from thence 
They went to Beer." 
And also later 
In the Book of Judges 
It is related that 
" Jotham ran away 
And fled, 

And went to Beer." 
Only these two times 
Is that delectable 
Beverage 
Mentioned in 
The Book of Books. 



77 



THE CLOCK-GHANGERS 

DESPITE the claims 
To the contrary 
Made by the devotees 
Of clock-changing, 
There are this week 
Exactly the same number 
Of hours of daylight 
In every twenty-four 
As there were a week ago, 
Before the hands 
Were set ahead. 
In other words, 
No daylight was saved then, 
And none is lost now. 



79 



THE REACTIONARY 

WE hear a great deal 
About him nowadays, 
And to judge 
By the wrath he arouses 
In the minds of writers 
For certain papers 
It might be imagined 
That he wears horns. 
As a matter of fact, 
He is simply the man 
Or the woman 
Who in times past 
Was known by 
The ancient 
And honorable word 
Conservative. 



80 



THE EGOTIST 

UTfl," 

l"Ibeg," 
" I myself feel," 
" I am under," 
" I was 

The Commander in Chief," 
" I advised," 
" I sent," 
" Shall I," 
" Can I," 
« I gave "— 
Thus spake 

The great American egotist, 
And the noble 
Master of English speech 
Who strove — and failed — 
To keep us out of war. 



81 



THE HAT REMOVERS 



IF perchance 
A lady is present 
They stand in room 
Or hallway 
Hat on head. 
But the instant 
They enter an elevator 
They remove it. 
Why? 



82 



THE GARDENER 

HE toils morning and evening 
Over his crops, 
Beheading the arrogant weed 
And chasing the elusive insect 
Which threaten to despoil him 
Of his products. 
By night in dreams, 
By day at his desk, 
His thoughts dwell 
Upon the harvest to come. 
Great is his anticipation, 
And sometimes small 
His realization, 
But he is always happy, 
And he never regrets 
That the time he has spent 
In his garden 
Might have been passed 
At golf, 
In motoring, 
Or in the broad Atlantic surf. 



83 



THE FUR-WEARER 

SHE is an adept 
At making extremes meet 
These summer days. 
She wears a low bodice, 
Exactly how low 
We hesitate to say, 
And then she swathes 
In furs her neck 
And the regions 
Adjacent thereto. 
The reasons for 
This strange procedure 
Are known 

Only to the feminine mind, 
Although of course 
There may be 
A fashionable method 
In her madness. 



85 



THE SUDDEN STOPPER 

HE walks 
Along the sidewalk 
At a brisk pace, 
And then he suddenly 
And without warning 
Stops dead in his tracks, 
While we, poor mortals, 
Following behind 
Are brought up 
Against his bulk 
With a thud. 
It is a pity that we 
Cannot annihilate him, 
Instead of being 
Ourselves 
Almost annihilated. 



86 



THE PLAYGOER 

WHETHER it be 
The Follies 
Or a Shaw play, 
Whether Eddie Cantor 
Be the star 

Or Walter Hampden, 
To many 

Whose speech and manner 
Proclaim that they 
Should know better 
Everything on the stage 
Is a " show." 
If the American public 
Had a more discriminating 
Sense of the meaning 
Of words, 
It might have 
A more discriminating taste. 



87 



THE LABORERS 

WHY do they 
At their conventions 
And individually 
Talk as if 

They are the only men 
Or women 

Who work for a living? 
Why do they speak 
Of the cause 
Of labor, 
Of the interests 
Of labor, 
Of the rights 
Of labor 

As if none but they 
Do an honest day's work 
For an honest day's pay? 
The truth 
Of the matter 
Is that they mean 
Only the cause, 
The interests 
And the rights 
Of the labor unions. 



89 



THE CHRISTMAS SHOPPER 

LATE and early, 
Morning and afternoon, 
With cheerful face 
He goes upon his mission. 
What matters it 
When he shops, 

Whether he buys something useful 
Or useless, 

Whether he carries his purchases 
Or has them sent, 
Or whether he throws 
To the winds 
All the rules 
That confront him 
On his journey to and fro? 
He is a Christmas shopper, 
And the joys of the Christmas Tree 
Will justify his deeds. 



9G 



HIS BROTHER'S KEEPER 

HIS impudence 
Is unbounded, 
For he is never happy 
Unless 

He is putting the houses 
Of other people in order. 
No matter what his own whims, 
His own vices or his own sins 
May be, 

He thinks it his duty 
Not merely to denounce 
But also by law to interfere with 
The customs of others. 
If he confined himself 
To talk, 

He might be tolerated, 
But he transcends 
The bounds of reason 
And of justice 
When he seeks 

The constitutional amendment 
Of habits that do not happen 
To be his own. 



91 



THE INSIGNIAC 

LET no one be so foolish 
As to imagine 
That the number 
Or the varied colors 
Of the stripes upon his arm, 
Gold or silver, 
Red or white, 
Blue or yellow, 
Green or purple, 
Measure his valor 
Or his achievement. 
He who wears 
His heart 
Upon his sleeve 
Is not necessarily 
He whose deeds 
Are greatest. 



92 



THE SIDEWALK BLOCKERS 

OBLIVIOUS they stand, 
Deep in conversation 
That apparently is settling 
The destinies of all the world. 
Blocking the way, 
They neither see nor feel 
The flowing tide of passers-by 
Which breaks around them. 
As they remain unmoved 
And unperturbed, 
They might as well 
Inhabit a world 

That contains themselves alone 
For all they are aware 
Of the presence of their humankind. 



93 



THE CENSOR 

THESE are indeed 
Sad, sad days. 
One Thomas Shallcross, 
An estimable member 
Of the Philadelphia 
Board of Education, 
Has just declared that 
Stevenson's " Treasure Island " 
Is not fit 

To be read by schoolboys. 
And why? 
Because it is 

" Full of stories of pirates 
Who ought to be hanged." 
It is therefore our privilege 
And our pleasure 

To nominate the estimable Shallcross 
For admission to the gallery 
Of the righteous 
Where dwells 
The immortal Podsnap. 



95 



THE FOOT-TAPPER 

HE is not content 
To enjoy the rhythm 
Of the music, 
But he must spoil 
Others' pleasure 
By reenforcing 
Its recurrent accent 
With foot-taps on the floor. 
A theatre-seat 
Is no place for him. 
He should be 
An electric welder, 
Or perchance a thumper 
Of the big bass drum. 



96 



THE SLOW-COACH 

EVERYONE with an ounce 
Of energy in his composition 
Hates to overtake 
The slow-coach 

As he pursues his leisurely course 
Along the sidewalk. 
He moves as if 
Life were not worth the living 
And he persistently 
Blocks the way 
By getting directly 
In front of those who have 
Something more to do 
Than to dog his footsteps. 
With lifelessness 
In all his movements 
He might be better dead. 



97 



THE CONQUERING HERO 

HOME the conquering hero comes 
Still firm in the belief 
That he and he alone 
Is settling the fate of the world. 
But others remain behind 
Who have not sought 
Peace without victory, 
Who did not say that 
The aims of both sides 
During the war were the same, 
And doubtless in his absence 
They will make such progress 
That what should have been done 
Weeks ago 
Will be accomplished 
Long before his threatened return. 
In the meantime, however, 
The cabled propaganda will continue, 
And we shall be fed up 
With the customary reports 
That everything done 
Is done by him 
And him alone. 



99 



THE ANIMAL RESCUER 

HIS is the eye 
That looks 
Beyond the mere needs 
Of his humankind. 
His is the mind 
That knows 
The souls and bodies 
Of his animal friends 
Deserve no less care and kindness 
Than he bestows upon his fellow men. 
His is the hand 
That caresses them, 
And the voice 
That soothes them, 
And his the task and duty 
To make the world 
A better place 
For mankind to live in 
Because he also makes it 
A happier dwelling-place 
For dumb animals. 



100 



THE HOSPITAL TELEPHONIST 

HER manner is brusque, 
Her voice is strident, 
Her messages are curt 
To all who venturesomely 
Infringe upon her valuable time 
Either over the telephone 
Or by personal application 
At her desk. 

" He's gettin* along orl light," 
" There ain't no change since yisterday," 
" Ye-ur," 
" Naw," 

These words seem to be 
The limitations 
Of her vocabulary. 



101 



GOOD OLD JOEL 

A WISE man in his day 
Was Joel 
When he wrote: 
The mountains 
Shall drop down 
New wine, 

And the hills shall flow 
With milk, 
And all the rivers 
Of Judah shall flow 
With water. 
What a pity 
There was neither 
Ale nor beer 
In Joel's day 
That he might 
Sing its praises. 



102 



THE CONVERSATION CIRCLER 

THE bell rings 
And she picks up 
The receiver, 
While the unwilling victim 
Who by a sad fate 
Is compelled 
To remain in the rootn 
Listens to a conversation 
Of never-ending length. 
She talks and talks, 
And after a minute 
She continues 
To say the same thing 
Over and over again 
In different words, 
Going round and round 
A conversational circle 
That seems to be 
As long as the girdle 
That Puck put round about 
The Earth 
In forty minutes. 



103 



A DREADFUL LIAR 

SAID one four o'clock 
To another four o'clock 
In my neighbor's garden: 
" This daylight saving 
Makes me out 
To be 
A dreadful liar." 



105 



THE INDEPENDENT 



WHEN a man 
Is without 
A stable mind 
And his opinions shift 
Like straws 
With every changing 
Of the wind 
He calls himself 
An independent 
And rejoices loudly 
In his own conceit. 



106 



THE BLOCK-THE-DOOR PERSONS 

WHAT crowd may be 
Behind them 
Matters not. 
If perchance 
They are on the way 
Out of the railway station 
In the midst 
Of the 'morning exodus, 
They act as if 
They were the only people 
On earth. 
They stop to chat, 
Or to gaze 

Up and down the street, 
And if anyone 
Attempts to push by them, 
They glare and growl 
And mutter words 
About the rudeness 
Of others. 



107 



THE LATE THEATRE-COMER 

H E T ~ 
It is almost invariably 

He 

And not she — 
Who arrives at the play- 
Within a few moments 
Of the end of the first act 
And is shown to his seat 
In the middle of the row, 
Of course 
Might wait 
Until the curtain falls, 
But that would avoid 
The disturbance 
Of a dozen or more of 
His fellow beings, 
And to think of others 
In such an exigency 
Is naturally impossible 
To him. 



109 



THE EXPERT CLIPPER 

WHY should we 
Have any compunction 
At putting asunder 
What man hath joined together? 
Especially the man 
Who has a varied assortment 
Of paper clips, 
And who uses them lavishly 
On all documents 
He sends forth to the world. 
Every time we receive 
A communication from him, 
We yank 

The bit of twisted steel 
Therefrom and vehemently 
Curse him and its inventor. 



110 



THE HAUGHTY ONE 

HER stare is impressive 
When presiding 
At newsstand 
Or cigar counter 
Or any other dispensary 
Of necessary wares. 
She haughtily condescends 
To accept your money, 
And declining to place the change 
In your extended hand, 
Calmly drops it 
On the glass, 
And views with glee 
Your efforts to pick it up. 



Ill 



THE BUSINESS MINDER 

LIFE insurance presidents 
Are apparently setting themselves up 
As the arbiters 
Of feminine fashion. 
Here is one of them 
Who hails from Hartford 
And he proclaims 
That " all women 
Who bob their hair 
Are useless," 
And that his ideal 
Of a business woman 
Js " one who has had 
Two or three years 
Of college work, 
Does not powder her nose, 
Does not watch the clock, 
Does not rouge her cheeks, 
And does not 
Smoke cigarettes." 
By way of rejoinder 
Perhaps we may be 
Permitted to say 
That our ideal 
Of a life insurance president 
Is one who 
Minds his own masculine business. 



112 



THE KNITTERS 

WHERE are they, 
The "multitudinous knitters 
Whose needles 
Were wont to flash 
Before our eyes 
In street car, 
Railway train, 
On hotel piazza, 
In lecture hall, 
And many another 
Public place? 
They were knitting 
For the boys in khaki, 
But is there none 
To knit for in 
These piping times of peace? 



113 



THE REVOLVING-DOOR 
INVENTOR 

WHEN the lamented Gilbert, 
Wisest and merriest of humorists, 
Wrote in one of his liveliest moods 
About the fitting 
Of the punishment to the crime, 
And in another vein 
About a little list of victims 
To be found, 
He had not in mind 
The revolving-door, 
For it was not then 
Inflicted upon 
A long-suffering world. 
If it had been, 
He would undoubtedly 
Have consigned its perpetrator 
To a well-deserved 
And everlasting whirligig 
Of gyrations 
Within its confines. 



115 



THE MANUSCRIPT ROLLER 

HE may be able 
To write good English, 
He may be able 
To spell with accuracy, 
He may be a man of ideas, 
And he may have a message 
For the world, 
But he is welcome 
To no editorial haunts 
If he rolls his manuscript. 
Editors have some rights 
That even the most 
Intelligent contributors 
Should be bound to respect. 



116 



THE WEATHER GROWLER 

MAN and woman 
Are seldom content 
With the meteorological 
Dispensations of the gods. 
Without a murmur 
They will accept much else 
That comes to them, 
But not the weather. 

f it be hot 

t should be cold. 

f it be cold 

t should be hot. 

f it be warm, 

t should be cooler. 

f it be cool 

t should be warmer. 
And so on ad infinitum 
They growl and grumble 
Unceasingly 
And give themselves 
Much more discomfort and unhappiness 
Than the weather 
Ever brings to them. 



117 



OUR LEGISLATORS 

OUR legislators 
Are indeed 
A marvellous crew, 
And sometimes we wonder 
Whether they are 
Our masters 
Or our servants. 
Now comes one of them 
Who hails from Mississippi 
And whose name is Johnson 
Who says that smoking 
By women 
In public 

Is " worse than whiskey," 
And who therefore 
Offers a bill in Congress 
To fine them 

If they are caught smoking 
In the public places 
Of Washington. 
Great and wonderful indeed 
Are our legislators ! 



119 



THE OPEN MINDER 



HE brags vociferously 
That he has 
What he calls 
An open mind, 
And that he is 
Ready to be convinced 
By the latest comer 
On political problems 
Or other subjects. 
The trouble with him 
Is, however, 
That he has 
No convictions at all, 
And that his open mind 
Is simply another name 
For defective judgment 
And lack of principle. 



120 



THE POEMLESS POET 



IN the olden days 
The poet wrote 
Poetry 

And thereby beca'me 
Famous. 

But in these times 
He writes 
Prose 

And by simply 
Calling it 
Free verse, 
Or something 
Equally indefinable, 
He places himself 
Or is placed by others 
In the halls 
Of the great. 



121 



THE HAT-PIN WOMAN 

BARBAROUSLY serene 
She goes about 
And recks not 
If the spear 
Thrust through her hat 
From side to side 
Protrudes so far 
As to encounter 
Her neighbor's 
Eye or ear or chin. 
He may dodge it, 
Or he may not, 
And his the penalty 
If he fails 

Successfully to avoid 
Its poisonous point. 
Yet he must not complain 
For is not her headgear 
By it made safe 
From all the winds that blow? 



122 



THE MODERN GLADIATOR 

IN ancient days 
The high and mighty 
Among the multitudes 
That foregathered 
In the Colosseum 
To make a Roman holiday 
Gave the signal 
" Thumbs down " 
That meant death 
To the vanquished. 
In these modern days, 
On the contrary, 
The defeated gladiator 
Will have his damaged body 
Carefully tended 
By physicians 
And his injured feelings 
Soothed by a liberal share 
Of the spoils. 



123 



POOR OMAR 

IN these days of doom 
Must we 
Banish Omar the Tentmaker 
From our bookshelves? 
If we are forbidden 
To quench our thirst, 
We may expect also 
That the reformer's hand 
Will fall upon those 
Who sing the praises 
Of the fragrant 
And exhilarating 
Juice of the grape. 
Must we then 
In these days of doo*m 
Banish Omar the Tentmaker 
From our bookshelves ? 



125 



